tiny little ms wee, the one who made sure chemistry was the air we breathe each day of our lives.
loud mrs rajan, the one who i have to give credit for my english this few years or so. she would make us write 100 phrases each month; or purposely made us stay outside the principal's office to just read Readers' Digest.
my one & only lorve in secondary school; mdm suriati. she took the time to talk to me, to figure out the mistakes i've made in life. she is partly the cause of who i am today. <3
felicia leow; my girlfriend number three who wanted to shoot boys if they bullied girls. hoho.
elfi; mister caustic who apparently claimed dated paris hilton. h-a-h-a-h-a-h-a.
the first closest boy best friend i had in secondary school; fabian tan zhi yi. i miss how we were such rebels in school & those nights we would go clubbing just to make stupid dance moves on the dancefloor. you're my favourite dork, baby. <3
yours truly, felicia & my bang bang hero, Liyana. Thank you for being with me when i was at my lowest right up till' i have finally picked up myself. more ahlian poses, soon? =)
the memories i hold so dearly; like a chapter of my favourite book i'll never forget.
*yawns* it's a beautiful morning today. there were slight sounds of thunder & peckles of rain pelting down on the concrete floor of my neighbourhood. but other than that slight depressing sight of gloom ahead,somehow rather i feel afresh & raring to go to start my day today.
the secondary school best friend just woke up; so here i am warming my buttocks off infront of the laptop's screen while waiting for her to doll up. )= actually i can't wait to unleash this playful demons in mine, right during the unofficial gathering in school today. i was browsing through an old friend's diaryland, and all the mischievous times i had with him & the others.. priceless.
i was a dork then; right with all my other adorkable friends. however, the consolation that came along with being a geek was that nothing had been a barrier to my innoncent-like happiness. no boy dramas and no bitchy girlfriends who would find a way to bring me down to my lowest peak of confidence. darn, those were the times.
and now i'm all grown up; with age (and vanity) comes responsibility. i have to take full credit for whatever wrongdoings there is. i learnt to judge more, destroy myself despite the values i was taught with and fell in love. so does the fact that i grew up meant that i had an all-pass ticket to be a certified failure? -shakes head- i doubt so, that is the reason why i am building myself all over again right from the basics of it all.
ahh. life; just a mystery in itself. see la? one tree hill is just a bitch; it is supposed to be one of those acne-prone teenager's flick but i used it as a guideline of how i see the circumstances of my life. hoho.
let me go to the kitchen & make myself a hot cup of cocoa. i'm just shivering because of the weather, brrrr. Wednesday, August 30, 2006
my princess, daughter of the King of Bandar Kovan.
hahahahahahahahhahaha!
let me start off with a simple story as to how ain deserved this name.
me & mrs shahrul aisha & lesbianlorve ain went for an interview.
Since Wing Tai Co. was situated at Kovan, we took a bus
which brought us somewhat around the neighbourhood area.
what me & mrs shahrul found funny is that the area is called Bandar Kovan.
....fast forwarding to the aftermath of the interview.........
so we went window-shopping around Heartland Mall,
only to find that lesbianlorve adored this yellow princess-y teeshirt.
the captions that was in it went like,
"princess, daughter of the king." (pls detect the bimboness of it.)
me, mrs shahrul & lesbianlorve ended up snorting away.
so hence, tadaaaaaa! the name for lesbianlorve. hoho.
your sincerely three ladies really have nothing better to do.
we crashed K.F.C. for lunch & had some girlish conversations.
so then mrs shahrul had to fetch Mr Shahrul from attachment,
hence me & lesbianlorve were left alone for today.
from citylink's HMV right up to raffles city Starbucks.
we laughed, we nearly cried and we poured out our hearts & soul.
headed to town, just to warm our buttocks AGAIN at Starbucks.
laughed, nearly cried & yes......poured our hearts & soul. haha.
i love this simple fresh outings with my girlfriends. <333>sum it up: a fantastic day, from the beginning right up to now.
reaallliiieeeeee; you should see my wide toothy grin now.
everything's going so perfectly well today;
i feel like decorating my bedroom with yellow daffodils. hoho.
p.s. a hot white man stared & smiled at me right infront of his perfectly gorgeous wife while i was in starbucks with lesbianlorve just now. ok so he was only interested in sex, but soooooooooooo? he taught me that men can never be trusted. and also that maybe i should have a career as a Sarong Party Girl if i fail to achieve a diploma next year.
hahahahahahahahahaha;
i am so gay, i just want to think of stupid things all day long. Tuesday, August 29, 2006
i am a scared doll. i am barely hanging on to a less visible thread right now; knowing that in any time sooner the thread would snap and i would be falling so fast, it would take a hell lot more than realisation to slap me awake.
i am so scared, i can feel my heart pounding so furiously each time the thought strikes me hard. my stomach's doing double back flips and all i want is to run to that little corner of my room to just take a deep breath so that maybe everything would be back to square one. could someone just give me a tight grip on my hands or even slap me across the face? i do not want to live in a world full of un-needed fantasies; fantasies whose consequences would be unbearable.
how can something so minute disintengrate my concrete walls? all this while, i thought it would take more than that big fat yellow bulldozer to allow me to crumble into such light and fragile fragmentations of myself. i do not want my life to be a jigsaw puzzle which would take some hours to piece it back to one, as in my case it would take another year or so.
i am not pointing my fingers at Him or karma. i do not want to put blame on something other than myself; the cause of my anger & sudden confusion is not questionable. the reason i am stuck in this little rut of mine; it's all because of my doings in life. payback time, uh? but please leave me a manual on my bedroom table by tomorrow morning. i succumb myself to giving up without instructions, really.
i'm tired, really more on the deadbeat extreme. imagine your life moving like a constant fucking cycle; so when would it just slow down then suddenly come to a halt? i want that, yes please. i'm not going to throw a bitch fit because i'm angry at life. i'm not going to start throwing wet kleenex everywhere in my room because i feel such a pitiful wreck. i am happy actually! i want to throw confetti & paint my room so yellow & decorate it with daffodils.
i'm just tired. that's all; tired of wearing a mask on one of my "masquerade" balls wishing that that someone could finally read me. i'm sick of pretending like we're just friends; i never thought i would be able to find someone after zameer. and when i finally like someone, he's so fucking out of my league. and...
now all i have left is fantasies & dreams. the catalyst of my life is gone; yes hope. it's gone. Monday, August 28, 2006
just random facts:
i miss my beautiful oolalala friends.
i am listening to snow patrol & the cranberries.
i haven't ate rice for one week; i lost 2kg only.
i'm so bloody tanned & the mother says i look quite rough.
i am on the same journey as before, just when i thought it was all over.
i think chad michael murray & hilary burton are fhug-ly gorgeous.
i want to destroy myself with liyana during our sleepovers. )=
ah damn it;
i can't think straight anymore. Sunday, August 27, 2006
weezer: death & destruction
i can't say that you love me,
so i cry and i'm hurting.
so i learned to turn;
and look the other way.
******* confessed to me last night;
"ems, i'm in a state of confusion. i have built my guard up so strongly against men for years. you very well know nobody could break this denial walls of mine. then walked in this one guy, he possessed just about everything i needed & dreamt in a man."
and so i questioned her as to why she was so afraid of that;
her reply was, " that's just because i only know him for a month. and i doubt he's either interested in me as more than just a friend. thing is; he's out of my league."
my reply?
i could only cry. Saturday, August 26, 2006
somehow rather, i choose my idols on a one-sided basis. so long the guy in question is blond whose eyes are the windows to his soul & understands my emotional needs even virtually in television,
no doubt he would hold priority in my heart.
just as i was discussing this with andrea, she put it nicely in words for me.
"it's sometimes better to live in a world of fantasies than to open your eyes to reality and realise that something never was there in the beginning."
and andrea;
i never could have said it better myself.
//deleted the last entry; too much controversy.
i'm experiencing mild writers' block right now.
so many things to write & tell,
yet i know not a single word gives a fair justification to how i feel.
pardon me while i retreat to my daily feeds of One Tree Hill;
i have developed such an addiction to this teenager-ish flick.
season three finale has got me all weeping and crying,
especially the words that were exchanged between lucas & brooke.
somehow rather; i could feel myself in lucas's shoes. )=
and psst.
thank you mister pilot;
you manage to let me open up myself after months of self-denial.
but Chad Murray like Zameer Ali taught me one thing,
"sometimes your heart doesn't always go along well with hope." Friday, August 25, 2006
SENTOSA.
we built a slurpee godcastle in which vin & shahrul prayed to.
we looked out for some babi hutans & lembu jantan islams.
due to aisha's idea, we had some flickyourhandinthewater games too.
camwhoring was pretty much a must, till our batteries went dead on us.
singing sessions so loudly on the beach mat, while tanning away.
joot & me found this kelenjar couple; practically making out everywhere.
and.
i found some so-LACE while swimming alone far out at the rocks.
pahlawan beach on a thursday with my friends;
what a beautiful day it was nonetheless. <3
i don't know if i should jump & dance around,
or to ask myself a thousand questions whether what i'm doing is right.
it's not about the sentosa outing,
the latter was indeed a fun wholesome event. <3
peektures which i shall upload tomorrow, of course.
it's just me and my funny thoughts circling me.
siti ema binte sulaiman,
what the hell are you getting yourself into? Wednesday, August 23, 2006
lesbian lorve ain & mrs shahrul aisha.
where would i be without them?
gales of laughter with extra dashes of insanity,
i love them so much i could throw confetti all around town.
AND.
a hot white caucasian guy grinned casually at me, outside of Mango.
my girls were jealous, i know they were. HAHAHAHAHA.
he was so drop-dead gorgeous, i was jumping like a ballistic ass.
lorve ain had to tame me down because she knew i was going to explode.
-laughs-
but prettysapiens, please don't categorize me as one of those SPGs. )=
thanks for the interview sessions.
thanks for the tankini/bikini shopping frenzy.
thanks for being stupid with the vogue diva shades.
and now i can't wait for tomorrow's frolicking in sentosa. <33
ooooooooooo,
guess what mummy said when i was "modelling" in my tankini?
"you're not going to wear just that, young lady. bring a sweater along, in case your aunties might bump into you at sentosa. Mama mean it, ok?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
i bet my mother's the funniest woman than even Ellen Degeneres.
beach galore.
i want to play with the sand.
i want to show off my newly bought polka-dotted tankini.
i want to go crazy with my friends.
i want to see the sunset.
p.s:
thank you faiz. you have always been so generous with your words. i can't wait to see you this saturday at the flea market. it was funny how i always saw zameer in you, but i guess fate was just not on our side. take care love, i'll see you soon. Monday, August 21, 2006
ditto sg secrets.
you baked me my favourite cheescake at three in the morning, just because i was craving for one at such a time.
we rode on your bike to Kallang, just so i wanted to see the stars & the moon even though i knew you were bloody tired from work.
you compiled all my favourite songs in one compact disc, just because i was sick and i couldn't leave the house.
you sacrificed skateboarding sessions with your friends, just to be with me.
you loved me, and you gave me the world when i asked you for it.
WHY OH FUCKING WHY DID I LEAVE YOU?
i miss you.
just when i thought i'm already over you after 1 year,
i thought wrong.
leave her & walk into my life again, please?
i am never desperate for a man, but only you.
Only You. Sunday, August 20, 2006
i miss her.
by far, the only one who knew me from my smile right down to my very own fears. i have to admit, i was an ugly duckling back in secondary school. those who judged me on face value never appreciated me just because i wasn't good enough to be in their social circle. but there was this one girl in class. she wasn't downright popular either, but she appreciated me for who i was deep down inside of me.
our friendship grew stronger. she was my best friend, my sister, my trust and my confidante. whenever i would perform/host onstage for school events, i knew she was proud of me. and whenever it was her who would be leading her cadets on the field, i was proud it was my best friend's voice i could hear roaring.
we were two different souls. i was someone who basked in the limelight of school events & drama performances, nicknamed the dramamama of my school. she was someone who leads behind the scenes, someone more milder as compared to me. but i needed her, because it was her who made me humble and she needed me because it was me who made her thrust out to be more confident of herself.
this was a story 2 years ago. where are we now?
nowhere, exactly. )=
had four years of friendship gone down the drain like that?
one grew up and changed her image to try & fit in with the popular crowd. had a man she loved, who left her after she cheated on him. didn't try to spend time with the girl who knew her better than any other man would. now that she promises to be the person she was once again, her girlfriend found someone else; another man to fill in her shoes.
this is what i deem karma;
what i did to her before, she's doing it back to me.
i'm sorry for all i've done, but girlfriend....
trust me on this;
i really miss you.
the groom calls me a walking baby.
just because i cried when we hugged before he left for the aisle,
he has to give me such a name. )=
i felt so proud of this man i used to count moolah together &
i felt so proud of the life he was going to built with dear kak aliah.
i spent some little time with the groom before the mak' andam
came in to interrupt us to doll abang hisham up. HAHA.
we talked about him leaving bachelorhood forever
& how i confided in him about my lack of confidence in life in itself.
laughing & talking, this are going to be the times i will miss
of dearest md. hisham now that he's already a married man.
this was taken in the morning before the hoohaas of the ceremony.
i had to literally force him to take a peekture with me,
he has NEVER been a camwhoring since Man invented cameras.
-laughs-
everyone's growing up so fast now.
1.my eldest cousin's married already.
2.my youngest uncle is bald too. hahahahaha!
3. and i'm finally eighteen.
time passes us so fast, but what have i done?
exactly,
nothing. )= Friday, August 18, 2006
i weeped during the solemnisation ceremony of hisham & aliah.
seeing my cousin all grown up, and that happy endings do exist
makes me just want to suck my thumb in a little corner. )=
spending time with my little lorveleh cousins & aunties & uncles
was a great event, nonetheless. <3 href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">
yes that's it, i was referring to Mr Minolta around my neck.
oh yes, i look fat in this picture, but whatever. =)
ema's thoughts speaking now:
it's really ironic how i know i have moved on from this relationship with zameer, because it has been a year and two months to date. i haven't thought/cried of him for the past few weeks,but during the ceremony of aliah & hisham, i cried because i wished that i had my own happy ending just like aliah had hers. it was all gone, all thanks to my unfaithful ways of never appreciating the person i loved before.
so, i don't love you anymore. i don't even care about you. but because of you, i stopped loving and i stopped believing. i have let my guard up, and only today was the only day i cried because i realised i have stopped loving anyone, even you. it's sad, i know. don't cry ema, it's almost 3 in the morning.
these are my thoughts speaking.
right now, my body feels nothing but pure coldness.
today has brought a huge dash of joy in my life.
thank you to my loves. thank you, once again.
taking pictures after you sweated out doesn't necessarily
mean you will look good, ok homosapiens? <33. href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">
the lorve and me after a much-needed shower at my place.
we come up with the weirdest pictures/ideas ever, word.
then it was off for "Click" sessions with the polymates/neighbours.
the movie made me, lorveain & mrs shahrul cry like little babies.
let us not forget my good friend, nurhafiz who tried his best to control,
or legend, tengku mohaizad who was sobbing away in one corner.
only dumb neighbour, rafiq managed to put up a brave front. pfft!
headed off after the movie to starbucks,
to meet aisha's boyfriend, mr shahrul & chingchonglike friend ilyas'.
or as i call them now, "alex and matthew." (inside joke laaaaa, baybeh)
allrights.
so it was the usual protocol of movie, chill then dinner and home.
but what's so special about this night was that i got to spend time
with the ones i love, and just laughing cornily at myself.
not a single damn about my image/my perceptions/my worries.
i thought tonight went absolutely fab, without a doubt in my mind.
thank you fellow lorves,
the night was beautiful. *breathes in*
p.s. do you still love me in the morning? forever & ever babe.
p.p.s. i love you son. i love you son. i love you son. i love you son. Thursday, August 17, 2006
i'm happy and i'm gay.
i want to throw petals of flowers all around me.
i am going to indulge myself in chocolates and fruit mocktails.
i want to spread some lorve with my lesbian partners.
i'll kick you in your balls if you show me your sour frown.
i'll fart in your nose, if you shove your big fat ass in my face.
i'm happy and i'm gay.
what did i say?
i'm happy and i'm gay.
chingchong galores, they make me high. Wednesday, August 16, 2006
my gorgeous mates all crashed my place today. <33
apparently the mother fell sick, and so i had to take care of the household.
so boo )=, i was not allowed out of my crib as for today.
liyana skipped school, and had a galore of a time friendster-stalking with me.
we have such tendencies to ogle at hot chicks, and gorgeous lads too.
closet bisexuals, that's a good word to describe us very well.
hardeeheehohoho. =)
just as liyana left my place,
sarah, anna, ilham and ilham's english-like friend, farid came over.
they brought over nachos, two rented ihavewatchedover&overagain DVD's
and tons of sanitary pads in courtesy of sarahdorklove.
the thing was, sarah had a sudden menstruation attack while on the train,
to meet the bunch of gang at tampines.
so apparently she went to cheers and got herself like 3 packs of Sofy-brand ones.
she justified wailing that, " i've got none of them anymore at home!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
i love you dork, for this stupid random moments you can come up with.
and so,
morning gym session with my lesbian lorve ain tomorrow.
then a movie with the lesbian lorve ain and mrs shahrul's aisha too.
i am having this " i miss my girls" random feeling once again. )=
pssstt.
to the man who writes quite a few words but yet manages to squeeze
quite a bucket of tears out of my eyelids,
happy twenty fifth.
and to the other man who has seen me growing up for the past eighteen years,
happy twenty second.
you boys know who you are.
so when's my turn to hit the big TWO-O?
"i dare you to call me."
why is it bloody difficult to get a man like Chad Michael Murray?
because as dorklove reminded me,
"there's no such thing as reel life with real life."
isn't who you were part of who you are?
ohgod,
siti ema binte sulaiman is in one of those "i'msohighonlove" moods right now.
blame One Tree Hill. )= Tuesday, August 15, 2006
md ilham and siti ema.
tootfieskinnywank & tootsiebigwitch.
pahlawan beach and its' very own tent.
ok.
i have to admit, beach bumming affair with ilham was suprisingly stupid.
i was dared to bury my face in the sand for more than ten seconds,
gee i was practically choking. pfft!
ilham proceeded to paint my toenails, and two of them seem chipped now. )=
tanning, swimming competitions and a lifeguard drama session with ilham,
i had a great time, balls-less friend. <33
i'm patiently waiting for the pictures, ok?
so, daddy bought me a malay novel from the singapore expo book sale.
i swear three quarters of the first chapter had me all wondering,
"Which Sane Person Would Write Such Cheemi-fied Malay Language?"
so girl loves boy, but girl's sister also loves the same boy.
then girl decided to sacrifice boy, out of love for the sister.
now seriously, i can already figure out the ending of this story.
don't we all?
so daddy, you have failed to enlighten me with the wonders of malay novels.
-laughs-
i am also digging up some old photos of my Princess Qistina.
i still remember the time she took my digicam away from me,
and snapped a picture or two of the things she saw around her.
i hereby swore that what i'll show you are the pictures she took,
with her very own four-year-old hand and eyesight.
look at how she manages to capture her tiny feet, and my giant ones. heh!
blurry, but quite pretty in a way. i was talking about me, balls! hahahaha.
my evil and yet gorgeous Princess Qistina. damn i wish for those curls of hers. )=
OHHHHHHHHHH.
my eldest cousin on the maternal side is getting hitched this weekend.
congratulations sweetheart, growing up with you has been a wonderful journey.
now that you're going to be somebody's husband,
no more feeling english and laughing at your lameness sessions with you, yes? )=
p/s: i swear this cousin of mine is by the far one of the few intellectual malay dudes
i have ever encountered in my eighteen years of life. <3 you bro.
You try to hold in what is deeply within your soul. But the burning is so intense; that you just can't help but to let it go.
http://www.vintage-junk.blogspot.com
for you indie and brit pop lovers,
you have got to check this out.
be nice, and come down to Lime's flea market on the 26th.
your presence is greatly appreciated, people.
p/s: the tees that they are using is the cotton planet brand, balls. <3
i've been indulging myself in front of the canons' lens this few days.
it's such a pathetic and boring life i lead,
i know i know!
nonetheless, i do not look forward to life for much reasons anyway.
school's out, and there's no nagging lecturers behind my back
screaming their lungs out because project deadline's around the corner.
my mates are either busy with school or work or their boyfriends.
i used to be real busy with assignments or tutorials to revise over,
or equip myself in the lamehilarious jokes my friends would come up with.
these were the little bits of life i could equip myself with,
just to push random things at the back of my mind.
now there's no chance to do of such.
things i know should be stashed away at the back of mind,
remains transfixed in that position that they have always been.
the ironies and mysteries of life,
i wish for a sherlock holmes in my birthday stocking.
i feel so confusemotional-ed all of a sudden in the prick of time.
like i want to cry into my kleenex with nick lachey on my ipod,
and also, punch my fists into the wall for all the things that went wrong.
whatever, neither crying nor vengeance of anger helps.
prolly, cam-whoring and a bite of my mother's sambal udang does?
if only our lives were like "Click.",
i would have made it all so perfect.
but then, is perfection everything?
