tell me a reason not to; and i won't.

The signal is subtle
click on the flowers on the right for easier navigation

We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden

So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

i am a scared doll. i am barely hanging on to a less visible thread right now; knowing that in any time sooner the thread would snap and i would be falling so fast, it would take a hell lot more than realisation to slap me awake.

i am so scared, i can feel my heart pounding so furiously each time the thought strikes me hard. my stomach's doing double back flips and all i want is to run to that little corner of my room to just take a deep breath so that maybe everything would be back to square one. could someone just give me a tight grip on my hands or even slap me across the face? i do not want to live in a world full of un-needed fantasies; fantasies whose consequences would be unbearable.

how can something so minute disintengrate my concrete walls? all this while, i thought it would take more than that big fat yellow bulldozer to allow me to crumble into such light and fragile fragmentations of myself. i do not want my life to be a jigsaw puzzle which would take some hours to piece it back to one, as in my case it would take another year or so.

i am not pointing my fingers at Him or karma. i do not want to put blame on something other than myself; the cause of my anger & sudden confusion is not questionable. the reason i am stuck in this little rut of mine; it's all because of my doings in life. payback time, uh? but please leave me a manual on my bedroom table by tomorrow morning. i succumb myself to giving up without instructions, really.

i'm tired, really more on the deadbeat extreme. imagine your life moving like a constant fucking cycle; so when would it just slow down then suddenly come to a halt? i want that, yes please. i'm not going to throw a bitch fit because i'm angry at life. i'm not going to start throwing wet kleenex everywhere in my room because i feel such a pitiful wreck. i am happy actually! i want to throw confetti & paint my room so yellow & decorate it with daffodils.

i'm just tired. that's all; tired of wearing a mask on one of my "masquerade" balls wishing that that someone could finally read me. i'm sick of pretending like we're just friends; i never thought i would be able to find someone after zameer. and when i finally like someone, he's so fucking out of my league. and...

now all i have left is fantasies & dreams. the catalyst of my life is gone; yes hope. it's gone.