Sunday, September 17, 2006

pardon me for a looonngg self-loathing entry on my side. i was apparently cruising through an acquaintance's livejournal entry and i couldn't help but feel on a little downside right now. the music on my ipod doesn't help either; i am actually listening to Marcell right this minute. tell me
what could even be more better than listening to emotional indonesian music & feeling a lot low at the same time? )=
i hate who i have become after all this years. i
was a person so full of self-confidence that bursted through my seams, and nothing could disintegrate those real walls that i built over the years. and so came people from different walks of life; from those girls who thought vanity & beauty was a must in this society to boys who judged women from just the surface only. and so i went on a journey to change myself. i thought, "what wrong would it do to me if i were to look a little pretty as long as the real raw deal was me beneath it all?" damn it, i bloody thought wrong.
everything changed. though i was accepted in the popular clique and boys started to notice me,
i wasn't the same anymore inside. i was more judgemental, more pessimistic, more cruel and less real each day. i couldn't find myself anymore. who's this new horrible alien that has eaten my insides? and even worse, because of this i lost the one man i loved my whole entire life besides my dearest father, of course. i thought if i had changed, this man would have loved me even more but instead, he hated me more each day i lost the old & real me. even my father is utterly disappointed in me & what kills me is that he's
dying. months have passed; let's not even start to say years. karma's been treating me like shit. school's been a bitch. friends seem so un-real. life seems random. FUCK LA! why do i have to grow up & learn about life so fast?
partying at nights doesn't answer my goddamn problems.
going for late suppers & dinners just don't make sense.
retail therapy & money doesn't help anymore.
hurting myself has become an immunisation process.
my values are gone; my principles have vanished.
who is this person inside of me? i don't know her anymore.
and i'm tired, really fucking tired.