blablabla

2006-10-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

I ONLY managed to collect green packets worth of 30moockeroos today.
not that I'm complaining,I'm just merely telling the world how growing up is not quite a good thing especially during this festive season. (big hint there iryan!)

sighs.
I love babies and.......I feel like I need to make babies right NOW.
geezus! where did that come from?!
This must be the cause' of visiting Nek Busu's house,
and have Quraisha's hand clench tightly around my little pinky.

And so I smiled, and clenched my palm around hers.

2006-10-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

I need to get a new digital camera, preferably one with 7 megapixels.

My puny little cousin who barely is in his teens has a seven point something something megapixels' camera with a bloody effing tripod stand, can?!
I swear he's growing up waaaaaaaay too fast. read: TOO FAST.
"little me has a digital camera that's even much fanciful than yours."
"little me likes having some peek-a-boo sessions in abang's Maxim mag."
"little me has a girlfriend who loves me so much, she's very pretty kno'."
"eeeee you don't have boyfriend, later you die alone how?"

Ok so those weren't the exact same words he said in Gran's place.
but I swear to God, it goes something along that line. ):
Muhd Iryan Bin Muhd Iraimi,
I like it so much better when you were 7 & I was cooing over you.
In direct terms, "Stop growing up to be such an ass!"

ho'well.
I can't blame him,
He's still a little boy like every puny dickhead I know out there.

Despite all I said,I still love you Iryan. :)

2006-10-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

My marketing lecturer commented something in reference
to our lecture on customer retention today.

"We are not God, it's not easy to forgive people of their mistakes."

And so I let out a quiet sigh, right from my heavy heart.
Now I understand why.
It had to take Ms I-Didn't-Know-Phones-Have-Mp3's to teach me that.

A little note for a particular friend of mine;

As much as you refuse to forgive me of my wrongdoings after I have forgiven yours before, I am terribly missing our friendship or lack thereof. Tonight on MSN had seemed to be the final straw/blow for me. You acted strangely distant & I felt like I had to reach out so far to touch you. A year must have passed, or maybe less. But our journey must have surpassed longer than that because I relate so much to you, I barely kept note of the timeline of our friendship.

But you know what? Forget it. Forget the late night talks we had over random jiggies on the phone, Forget the hanging out seshies after work/school, Forget the endless MSN conversations. FUCKING FORGET IT. because you know why? It took me a year of emptiness to realise that I miss you and damn hell, you don't.

I think you've blocked me on MSN, "friend." whatever, balls. But you know what? If you ever really forgave my wrongs, I'm truly grateful because I'm deeply sorry from this pitless heart of mine. You'll be gone for another year in Thailand. I know I'll be the littlest fragment on your mind when you come back. So I want you to know before you go, Thank you for everything.

So much for a little note there. ):

I can't help but really really really miss my friend.

2006-10-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

As Lucius Seneca politely pointed out;

True happiness is to enjoy the present...
....without anxious dependance upon the future.

Lloyd commented that being 18 brings of no change to one's life;
hence I would like to differ.
I worry so much about growing up that every morning,
I try and prepare myself for the day's ongoings & circumstances.

Looking at this one particular classmate of mine,
I swear he barely even thinks of what tomorrow has to offer him.
And today, I suddenly vowed to just be free & let loose.
Boy, I did so & I felt so bloody refreshed all of a sudden.

Marina Square. Coffee. Business Finance. Cheescake. Strangers.
and to top it all of,
I allowed Smelly Rat to make me smile. :)

What a beautiful night.

2006-10-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

For those of you who can't comprehend the previous entry,
here it is for viewing pleasure. 0_0
This was done by Andrew & Paul out of sheer boredom! pfft.

................
Though i have to admit, both lads have a way of making me feel guilty.
all the bloody ma'effing time! ):

One Of Them Bad Pictures.

1.flared-up nostrils
2.thick purple-ish lips.
3.fringe all over the place.
4.squinted cheena eyes.

and once again, Selamat Hari Raya AidilFitri. :)

2006-10-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

then again Andrew,
not all girls are evil.

You just happen to be dating the wrong ones, lorve.

2006-10-21T15:15:00.000-07:00

Starbucks' baristas at Marina Square made me smile,
and so did Rina Alias.

i'm sorry, bang bang girlfriend; but it's for the best.

2006-10-20T16:05:00.000-07:00

We are all architects of faith,
so look not longingly into the past it comes not back again.

2006-10-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to mingle around with my classmates
but one week with them had definitely proved me wrong. ((=
The girls are absolute darlings & the boys are effingly hilarious!
I definitely regretted my actions as of last semester;
and indeed, I intend to prove my friends or parentals wrong.

Tomorrow is the twentieth.
In all due respect,
I hope my mother understands if I refuse to come home for just 1 night.

Listening to Jet on the ipod is of no help, either.

2006-10-17T21:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I act like one of the boys themslves. )=
As much as I try to be girlish and lady-like in public,
i'll end up roughing it out or beating the living hell out of them.
HAHA.
Last night, I punched the living lights out of Nurhafiz at Al-Majlis.
Literally, it wasn't much of my fault as Hafiz practically left red marks
on my thighs for slapping my exposed skin more often than not.
"I'm a fighter, not a lover." I retorted back,
only to have Md. Hafyst laughing his ass off while we sheesha-ed. pfft!

HOWEVER.
This indonesian lad probably didn't see that boyish side of me.
He left me with a compliment and a hug, which had me grinning smirkly.
Nonetheless, the boys were pretty much ignoring the expression on my face.

ohwells, they're seething with jealousy balls.

2006-10-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

This man, tengku mohaizzad bin tengku mohaizzad's dad,
is one of the most generous friends I have known in my life.
He gave us lots of free food from MacDonalds (only because
he works in MacCafe') i.e. cheescakes/nuggets/fries/iced coffee.
Name it, he has it for you.
so apparently my break-fast session was filled with lots of burping
& having to feel an extra layer of imaginary fats on my tummy. 0_0
I ADORE YOU, EZAD BIG EYED MONSTER!

Princess of Bandar Kovan, Nurulain Sari and yours truly.
she's such a doll; and as always our day/night-outs had been...
to me, there's not yet a word that can describe our awesome "dates."
apparently, she's the lesbian ex-girlfriend who just cannot seem
to accept the fact that she DID loved me at a certain point of time. pfft!
ohwells, one lives in denial when one's in love. HAHA.

VINODHEEEEEEEEEEEN!
allright enough screaming here girls, i adore this self-proclaimed hottie.
he brings in nuff' luck for me therefore i hereby declare Vin
as my lucky charm for the rest of my luck-less life. *winks*
please stop drinking too much, boncet-boy!
even though i know you would retort back with a " BUT I'M INDIAN!",
i can't afford to see you get wasted over drinks/chicks/ciggies/youknowwhat.

last night was a blessing in disguise.
who knew Liang Court Shopping Mall would bring in such fortune?
sighs.
oh and yes, i'm such a happy bunny yo!
i finally got my suspenders from Topman, balls.
oh and i have laid my hands on a bloody good book from Borders.<3

bloody shiok saturday night out, toots.

2006-10-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

i can't figure out what is worse off right now;

remembering the memories that made me smile
OR
realising that they're so far away & not being able to remember them.

"dates" with chad michael murray can be such a bitch.

2006-10-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

I always had a thing going on for chingchong boys;
so if ever I were to find one, he must posess a certain look.
(read: above shown)

But please spare me from those chinese lads who would deem a karaoke
date at K-BOX as something with a romantic notion in it. >.<
I'd love a chingchong man whose ideals are much different from mine;
it would add such a mysterious appeal to him.
Something worth knowing, Something worth the time.

ahhhhh! Damn them intellectual chinese lads.

As they would say, this entry sounds too dreamy. pfft.

2006-10-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

Last saturday evening was spent with the best friends;
we went window shopping, tied balloons around each other,
screamed at ongoing pedestrians, waved sanitary pads around Borders,
squealed at hot strangers & spurred vulgarities right when we feel like it.

So, the haze worsened which somehow made us feel uber restless.
We decided to have a chill-out session at Starbucks as always.
Now as many might have known, i'm quite a clumsy kid as it is.
While walking to our designated chillout area, my elbow knocked
right on the head of this white guy who was engrossed in his book.
I apologized over & over again, Fabian said I sounded like a Buddhist monk.
pfft, as if that made any sense. >.<

Anyways , right as the three of us were about to settle our useless bums
the white guy whose head I DID NOT purposely knocked into
came up to us & asked politely if he could take a picture with me & Joot.
Why, we jumped right at the opportunity because we're bloody friendly.
OR.
you could add that probably his deep blue eyes hypnotised us there & then.
whatever makes you sapiens comfortable & happy lah.

So Joot lorve being the most friendliest amongst the three of us,
she invited the white guy over to our table to just have a light chat or so.
A light chat lead to almost three hours of full laughter & sarcastic remarks.
Other passerbys/strangers were staring at the four of us;
I could say that we were pretty much the loudest & it didn't help that
Vittorio (the white italian lad) had a very deep & loud booming voice.
Nonetheless, i still find it sexy. what can I say?
White guys will always seem so much intriguing than normal asian men.
(no offence, balls. just speaking my thoughts.)

vittorio had to leave singapore right that night back to his homeland, Milan.
exchange of emails & accompanying him way back to his hotel before we all
headed for dinner at BlendInn Cafe where we met the rest of the gang.

what indeed suprised me about the night with Vittorio was that
he had never been to sentosa throughout his five day trip &
he hasn't even stepped into any of the clubs here in Clarke/Boat Quay.)=
p/s: Vittorio owns a boutique in Milan, which explains his shopping
expedition here in Singapore. He was bringing home some samples.
Fabian, Me & Joots promised to bring him around the quirky places
right when he visits this clean country (or so he claims) here again. <3

Fabian is going to shoot me dead because I think he's bored hearing
me say this over and over and over again the whole night........
*drum rolls*
VITTORIO CALLS ME RIHANNA LA EH.
-blush blush, shy already how lor like this-

oh and he added before he left;
" for your information, italian dudes adore Rihanna."
with a wink & a kiss on my hand, he walked right into Meritus Mandarin.

oh, what bliss!

2006-10-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

I adore my girls. God bless me, I do.

They're the ones you can call at 12 am & scream, "CB! I GOT PMS SIA."
and their instant reply would be?

"PMS OR WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT?!"

2006-10-10T01:59:00.000-07:00

Jet's "Shine On" is set on repeat mode in my itunes playlist.

let's sing with me, sapiens.
that if the moon had to run away
and all the stars didn't wanna play
don't waste the sun on a rainy day
the wind will soon blow it all awaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy....

.........we will meet again one day.

nabey la.
the cute chingchong guy who sells the orgasmic iced tea milk at Fareast
has finally talked to me. -shy shy oready, how lor like this?-
he said it was too sweet without ice.
he gave me that crinkly smirk when i said i lorved it.
he said he couldn't sleep when he drinks half of the iced tea.
he said i was crazy enough to be able to sleep.
he said he always sleeps at 5am.
he said bye bye to me & said he hoped to see me again.
and once again, he left me with that crinkly smirk.

arrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.
how to sleep tonight without grinning to myself?
but i still think he has a girlfriend already.
never mind lor.
eh somehow tonight i miss NOT talking to jim greco.
where are you, dumb dumb rat?
only you can make me laugh when i feel so down. pfffffffffft.

my entry's about boys today; lyer's gonna strangle me dead.

2006-10-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

My first real kiss?

Somewhere on the couch right after a sumptious feast
that he conjured up as a suprise for me on our fourth date.
Cliche as this may seem, I felt the world coming to a standstill.
Just him, me & the slight sounds coming from the television.
I love how he knew he can get away with teasing me about
my red cheeks/cute sniggers which ended up with me snorting away.
My heart did random somersaults each time his breath brushed my lips;
he just had a thing for whispering/talking silently in between kisses.
Sometimes he pulled away when I'm immersed in the intimacy of it all
but i knew........
I didn't want to tear myself away from his grasp, I just needed to hold him.

i cried last night, finally after months of this self-consumated strength.
i've been trying to guard myself from calling out for him/messaging him/
calling him/sending endless letters/holding on to distant memories.

but last night was the final call;
his friend randomly added me on friendster ( i don't even know this guy?!)
and so i browsed through the pictures & i caught glimpses of him.
he's jolly happy, he seems gay and he's having fun.
he still plastered that hesitant smile which i loved about him.
he still had his skateboard by his side & his ipod earpiece in his ears.
he was still the same old guy i had fallen in love with;
so why am i changing to be someone i'm not?

i've given him more credit than he deserves;
i'm such a silly creature.

so i thrust the knife right into my heart while i twist my senses out.

2006-10-07T13:33:00.000-07:00

i have been a jolly old gay bunny these few days;
late night outs, prata seshies, break-fast outings, sheesha-ing.

oh and i just remembered.
HAPPY EIGHTEENTH TO MY BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE EFFING
WIDE WHOLE BLOODY UNIVERSE!
i lorve you teo joo ting & i adore you fabian tan zhi yi. <3

screams, "We're hitting ze clubs tonight yo!"

2006-10-06T00:22:00.000-07:00

How do you manage to bring out the vulnerability in me;
when we barely even know of each other's existence?

I'm scared shitless.
I vowed never to confront my fears, let alone allow a single soul to do so.
And here I am being such an avid reader of your Eljay.
Crying away because with every word you wrote,
it spoke my thoughts; thoughts I usually pushed to the back of my mind.

I fear what I feel and what I'm afraid to feel.
Thereby the reason why I pushed every dread away by guarding myself.
So please for fucksake,
close down your eljay/stop penning my thoughts/just go away.
actually it's not even his fault.
i'm just allowing a stranger to make me strip my emotions free.
good or bad? i don't know. i don't want to open up, i just refuse to. geddit?

And the worst part is;
He's a non-conformist & a post hardcore activist.
We don't even share the same bloody ideals;
I'm a girl who used to be so judgemental & would incessantly
complain about the horrific sight of such people on the streets.
I think my friends can vouch for that especially Vinodhen.
And now I intend to swallow my words back as of today.

I never expected that the last person on Earth who would have
understood me most and allowed me to open up honestly;

would be a stranger I've never heard of/approved before.

2006-10-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Mother,
Waking me up at 9am in the morning has caused your daughter
to blow a major bitch fit as of today, pffffffffffft!
(for shitsakes; i slept at f-ing 6 am, all thanks to a friend who unintentionally
serenaded me to Richard Marx's on his keyboard.)
oh by the way; you sounded good nonetheless, Satan. :p

OK,
back to the cause of me looking like a grumpy old fag now.
my mother has always seemed to make it a point to buy her Hari Raya Kuih;
at local bazaars or ordered them through her baking-enthusiasts friends.
So why in the name of our SweetLovingGod did she decide
to bake them her ownself this year,
oh with none other than the help of her gorgeous & hardworking daughter?
rrrrrrrrriiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhttt!

my cousin who slept over said i look like an assfark when i wake up;
in simple laymen terms; i think he was trying to say that i was cute. HAHAHA.
gee, cut this girl some slack! i need some pride-boosting seshies now & then.
BLOODY RANGER!
i definitely need a new pair of boxers when i was looking at this peekture.
this Quiksilver ones seem so ragged;kinda makes me lose my sex appeal.
>.<

Anyone up for a boxers expedition with me anytime soon?

2006-10-04T13:53:00.001-07:00

everyone commented that i looked like i was smoking opium/weed.
after much scrutinizing, i'd have to somewhat agree.
p/s: sheesha can be quite dope-ish sometimes, yo.

AND
polytechnic lads could sound rather cheap at 4am by the sidewalk.
i can't believe Mirz tried to offer himself for ten cents;
that fag of an asswipe. :p

i suppose he was wasted.

2006-10-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

Aundrea Aurora Fimbres gives me the shivers;
She's such an effingly gorgeous Hispanic doll, yes?
Oh & I just read that Aundrea has an obsession with boxers.

As we're on the topic of this men-jiggies,
I need new ones badly; they're what you deem as my nightwear.
Honestly, i don't find women in lingerie or nightgowns a turn-on at all.
The definition of looking sexy for me is when;
a girl is donned in menswear in bed i.e. boxers, boyfriends' oversized teeshirts,
long boys' socks, trucker caps, no bras and any other yada yada yadas.

see?
whoever becomes my husband will be such a lucky ma' farker.
and i meant soulmates, not boyfriends or flingies.
boyfriends aren't entitled to this privileges;
why give them pleasure when all they do is break hearts?
and don't worry;
i'm not going to start on one of my anti-love campaign yet again.

i'm retreating to bed thinking of Giselle & Aundrea as for now.

2006-10-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU;
to belle francis for being such a wonderful director in assisting me.
to farahana wolfe for being a fantastic co-host.
to my fellow fcuktards for travelling all the way to give me support.
to joot & lyer for being there, my constant source of comfort.
to sarah & richie rich for quietly being there, your presence was all i need.
to the brothers Mike & Charles Basa for their funny presence;
(oh and it helps that i have a major crush on Michael, that is. HAHA.)
to Tammy for the gorgeous eye-makeup,& nachosfreak sessions with me.
to Evangeline for being such a gorgeous doll; "mega cute?" -winks-

thank you & i truly am grateful for the support given.
the performance went beautiful; even better than i expected.
what made me realise the whole shenanigans was worth it;
a mother came along with her three year old daughter to personally see
me because her daughter requested to shake my hand & kiss me.
to her, i was her fairy in her make-believe world. =)))
and for this; it became one of the reasons why i always loved acting.
To be able to give such an impact on one's life; even if she was 3 yrs old.

night-time came; the weariness kicks in & i start thinking in bed.
what if he had been there?
would he have been proud of me?
questions rang in my head; answers i'll never have.
i still remember clearly the words that were uttered a year ago or so;
"believe in yourself. i know you want this to be called yours; so why stop?
i'll be right behind you. even if you fall, trust me. i'll catch you;
go for this ema.
drama has always been the saviour of your life; fuck everything else.
go for yur dream & if nobody believes in you...
i'll still be your number one fan."

and with that,
i just realised why i never stopped loving him a year after the separation.
because as hell, he believed in me like no other sane being has ever done.
fuck it!
let's get on with life, uh? no use mulling over it, siti ema binte sulaiman.

sometimes when you love someone hard enough, that does not mean
the person will reciprocate it.
and with that once again, you just have to be ok with it.

2006-09-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

my ultimate fcuktards;
we had our breaking fast session at Sakura's whereby everyone
blamed me for the inappropriate & unfavourable location.
oh thanks eh, and where were you guys when i planned it all?
pfffffffft, next time i shan't be in-charge of the outings & all anymore. HAHA.
headed off for sheesha at Al-Majlis; where ain decided to be a virgin at it.
some of us headed off early; i had to send Kak Rinny off to Dubai.
you should see me; i was a wreck when i was at the departure hall sending her off.
:'(
p/s: this note is for nurhafiz. " eh tu matair lama aku. dia handsome eh?"
kewack! seriously darling as much as i adore you,you need better taste in girls.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ATTENTION YOU SAPIENS!

i'll be performing tomorrow ( 1 October ) at Esplanade's Outdoor Chillout Stage at 7.30pm.
please do show your support & lorve for me; i'll be the actress & host laaaaaa. LOL.

anyways.
i find myself either a bisexual; or a paedophile.
what say you? -laughs-
a bisexual for i have a major crush on Giselle, this chick in my school. )=
and a paedophile for i think Christopher/Michael are blardy hot.
oh i forgot to add that they're probably around the age of one-five? pfft!

seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,
i think i'm going kuku already. i need to straighten myself out.

LIKE SERIOUSLY.

2006-09-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

i would recommend this dvd to be watched by you girls out there;
"The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants."
it depicts the things of what the fairer sex usually find themselves
lost amongst & all the other complications alongside with it.
my eyes were brimming with tears almost to the end of the movie.
i swear.
a glass of meiji strawberry milk & dosage of haikel's jokes in between
made my whole day so worthwhile; with the dvd of course. <3

i'm in need of fake wings for my sunday's performance.
any bloody idea where i could rent/get cheap ones or so? pfft.
luckily i have this friday's shopping excursion with Adibah baby;
she could accompany me search for one at Toys 'R' Us/Masquerade.

ohhhh and yes.
Rialto's the band to listen to now; slow indie music i.e. Untouchables.
i'm digging it, y'all. for shizzle my nizzle yo! hahahahaha.

"Maybe the truth is there's a little bit of the loser in all of us you know, being happy isn't having everything in your life being perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants, or getting to a new level of Dragon's Lair. Making those count more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it. And that's all we can ask for."

-The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants.

yes bailey darling, you spoke my thoughts.

2006-09-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

EMSIE, YOU STINKING DUCK!
how can you be ogling at a bloody local malay MAN
when it's supposed to be the holy month of ramadan now?!
god grief, i'm drooling horribly & my thoughts are wandering.
stttttooooooppppp, this is getting too far-fetched. hmph!

somehow rather, i would like to drone on & on about how much
i miss my poly mates already but i shan't.
everyone should vaguely get the idea now anyways. =)
this thursday would be the standard protocols for most of us;
those fashionably late ones, the loud chatters and the usual inside jokes.

seriously, i really miss you fcuktards.
oh and i miss my neighbours toooooooooooooo! )=
we're talking both rafiq & nurhafiz here, where are you boys!
ring me & we'll go out for more coffee sessions yes, neighbbies?

OH AND I MISS THIS KENTOT TOO! (above!)
seriously talking, i really haven't seen him & the rest for ages.
the times when we would play pranks on each other, the times they would
prevent me from smoking just because they dote on me......
aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhh, i am going ballistic just because i miss them so much.

so many people to meet, yet so little time to squeeze.
drama rehearsals are taking a toll; please watch me this 1 October.
more details soon, that is if i can squeeze it out of Belle. hahaha!
oh btw, sheikh haikel's friend is like macam cute like that.
oh what the fish, ramadan season does not mean we're not allowed to
have crushes on random strangers riiiiggggghhhhttt?

and yes, i'm talking about baihakki khaizan too la. darn!

2006-09-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

i felt like a beast with such an inclusion of the previous entry;
pardon me because i was not thinking straight.

the father's worried because i've been cutting myself out from everything.
don't worry daddy; your daughter's just in need for some seclusion.
right now, i'm quite comfortable with the teddy & One Tree Hill on my bed.
some injections of hollow-ness, but i know this will turn out okay.

"People think that if you love somebody hard enough then everything is just gonna work out. People are wrong."– One Tree Hill

happy fasting, sapiens.

p/s: congratulations hady mirza.

2006-09-24T00:38:00.000-07:00

grec says:
half malay and boyan je.

-eMsie- my laptop's being a bitch. says:
oooo! boyan; i'm jawa. my daddy cakap orang jawa & boyan enemies tau.

grec says:
dulu i ada kawan jawa tapi dier da mati.

grec says:
i bunuh.

-eMsie- my laptop's being a bitch. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

grec says:
serius

grec says:
name dia siti obek binte jenggo.

-eMsie- my laptop's being a bitch. says:
STTOOOOOPPPPPP! i get the picture already ok.

jim greco's such a clown;
don't worry he's just a different distraction, that's all. HAHA.

p/s: i'm in a dire need of a malay dictionary when i'm talking to him.

2006-09-21T01:40:00.000-07:00

i am high, jolly old gay-farked already.
so here i go; on my highway of happiness & nothing shall break me down.

the ladies.

lyer;
for how we relate so well to everything. right up to my smiles & frowns, you have seen me at its best be it at my worst. my bang bang hero; swinging singles with <3.

sarah;
clubbing's our addiction; you're my ultimate dancefloor bitch.

andrea;
my bisexual partner-in-crime. kisses & fondles; yu make it happen.

ain;
my ex-girlfriend whom i'm happy for now. yu're my Hailey-Hope.

aisha;
the hot small one with her quirky nonsense; my drug.

joots;
we're the flirting royalties. throw in a good lad; & he's done for.

adibah isa;
articulate plus fucking strong; you're my idol & you know it.

the lads.

fabian tan z.y;
the adorkable best friend for four years & running; my torch that illuminates strength.

andrew;
you owe me ten gorgeous lads from St. Pats; i adore you drunkard.

ilham;
my daily dosages of intellect. another playboy; mend yur ways ASS.

farid & ryan *st patricks*;
i only added you guys here because through yu; i get to ogle at the patricians. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. but you know there is more to our friendship than just magic & sarcasm; there's the patricians too. :P

i am very high; and i was supposed to go M.O.S tonight. )=
cancelled plans because i can't think straight right now,
i'm just very random & i talked far too much on the train just now.

and you. YES YOU.
i'll always love you; i don't care if you don't. but don't worry about me, i'm moving away, far far away from you where the land is much greener & where rangers kill monsters. i want to smoke sheesha there; and i shall dance semi-naked to fergie ferg all night long. but i'll hold on to a memory of you which is the only thing that keeps me strong everyday; your words. everytime i feel like breaking down, i hold on to your words of strength, faith, hope & love. someday i shall thank you;

for loosening the string to let me fly up into the big blue sky.

p/s: (god this entry sounds like i'm dying; WHICH I'M NOT.)
i'll be away for three days & two nights;
NTUC CHALET, here we come!

2006-09-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

a ride through a rollercoaster of emotions;
up, down, round, twist, bends, elation, fear, shouts, tears, grip.

the brilliant intelligent mind that perks me,
the beautiful heart that commits itself to an unmistakable journey,
the caustic sense of humour that irritates me,
the undeniable patience when at times goes beyond limits,
the lips that kiss with such desired passion,
the strength that pulls me in spite of the disastrous flood,
the ego that i never got to see whenever i'm present.
the hurt i entrusted the person upon; yet never blamed for.
the love that i crave, that i'll die for and that is gone forever.

today marks a year & two months;
since my incomplete jigsaw puzzle left me for good.

if only. and that's where it will always be; if only.
the end full stop

2006-09-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

i don't understand why my mother loathes jon jon leongie.
she is still persistent on me wasting my countless cents on hady mirza;
when she knows deep down inside i'm rooting for Jon Jon.
i believe it's time that our idol was a chinese man with a talent for other than
just rhythm & blues & who dances & dresses unlike Usher.
oh and it does help that;
jonathan leong posesses the most sexiest low-pitch vocals i've heard thus far.

you'll have atleast 5 dollars of votes from me, jon jon leongie.
it may not be enough; but i hope it'll be of much support for you lorve.

darn.
i sound like some acne-prone, gee-i-just-hit-my-puberty deranged teenager.

2006-09-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

pardon me for a looonngg self-loathing entry on my side. i was apparently cruising through an acquaintance's livejournal entry and i couldn't help but feel on a little downside right now. the music on my ipod doesn't help either; i am actually listening to Marcell right this minute. tell me
what could even be more better than listening to emotional indonesian music & feeling a lot low at the same time? )=

i hate who i have become after all this years. i was a person so full of self-confidence that bursted through my seams, and nothing could disintegrate those real walls that i built over the years. and so came people from different walks of life; from those girls who thought vanity & beauty was a must in this society to boys who judged women from just the surface only. and so i went on a journey to change myself. i thought, "what wrong would it do to me if i were to look a little pretty as long as the real raw deal was me beneath it all?" damn it, i bloody thought wrong.

everything changed. though i was accepted in the popular clique and boys started to notice me,
i wasn't the same anymore inside. i was more judgemental, more pessimistic, more cruel and less real each day. i couldn't find myself anymore. who's this new horrible alien that has eaten my insides? and even worse, because of this i lost the one man i loved my whole entire life besides my dearest father, of course. i thought if i had changed, this man would have loved me even more but instead, he hated me more each day i lost the old & real me. even my father is utterly disappointed in me & what kills me is that he's dying.

months have passed; let's not even start to say years. karma's been treating me like shit. school's been a bitch. friends seem so un-real. life seems random. FUCK LA! why do i have to grow up & learn about life so fast?

partying at nights doesn't answer my goddamn problems.
going for late suppers & dinners just don't make sense.
retail therapy & money doesn't help anymore.
hurting myself has become an immunisation process.
my values are gone; my principles have vanished.
who is this person inside of me? i don't know her anymore.

and i'm tired, really fucking tired.

2006-09-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

as quoted from Stephen King;
"It's not the pain I'm afraid of; I know about the pain. What I'm afraid of
is the end of this small, sweet dream."

actually that's pretty much true.
i find myself a very guarded person; i never open myself up to anyone.
but when i do, that's when trouble starts brewing all over again.
i could count with this tiny fingers of mine just about how many of those in my life have i
opened myself up to the extent of never being appreciated.

but don't fret baby, i'm not complaining.
lessons are meant to be learnt especially when we crumble & fall slowly on the
face of this earth that we were born in.
give me time & i'll surface stronger from it all. love.
dinner with the classmates later tonight, boy i miss you people.

p/s: did i tell you Patricians are mindblowingly gorgeous? )=

2006-09-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

and so this sounds wrong coming from a straight girl like me;
but i totally dig this ultra-gorgeous chick from my school.
thing is, i don't really know her name or anything much about her.
i can't give in too much information about her (as in those limited hints that i have),
because what if she does stumble upon this bloggie of mine?
*bangs*

and i can still remember how she turned & gave me a smile.

p/s: don't worry; i still prioritise chingchong dick-heads the very most.

2006-09-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

something is wrong with me.
i am spending my saturday evening ogling at hot chingchong boys on friendster. this is wrong! i cannot be having a chingchong galore online;

it feels bloody desperate.
whose idea was it to meet at 9pm on a saturday?
it is andrew and sarah and andrea and shaun and leong's fault!
if the meeting time was a little earlier,
probably i wouldn't be gasping at every hot chinese lad on friendster.

i better do an automatic shutdown right this minute;
i need to grab a shower & be dressed to kill for tonight.

(WHY OH WHY ARE CHINESE GUYS SO HOT?!)

2006-09-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

When you look with your eyes
Everything seems nice
But if you look twice
you can see it's all lies

-Lily Allen

p.s. get me a blythe doll & mark darcy for my 19th, please?

2006-09-08T23:15:00.000-07:00

i want to fly away for a quiet holiday in new zealand.

i wish i could pluck apples & flowers for myself.

i want to lie on a cornfield with the wind blowing in my face.

i would love to jump ten storeys high, to still be alive & kicking.

i wish i could tell my mother everyday, how beautiful she is to me.

i want to volunteer to take care of the orphans at Darul Ihsan.

i would love to stop socialising myself in such a flamboyant lifestyle.

i wish i was sixteen all over again, never to worry about a thing ever.

i want to be able to read the look on his face & the things in his mind.

i wish to take beautiful pictures of the moments that i'll lose over time.

thing is,
i always learn that wants/woulds/wishes don't come true.

the three W's is just afterall a bedtime fairytale story.

2006-09-07T23:33:00.000-07:00

i am so random today. i feel, eat & walk like a randomnised robot.

daddy took leave because he had to undergo checkups at NUH today. daddy bought me a huge, enormous & gigantic tuna croissant from Delifrance' because he said i look like a sickly child these few days. there was a hot white trainee-doctor at the National Digestive Centre. the mother made me laugh because she questioned me as to why the doctors couldn't fax daddy's blood down to the Heart Centre.

daddy drove me & mommy to the muslim cemetery to pay respects to late grandpa, yayi & nya'yi. i cried silently by nya'yi's grave because somehow feelings of fear enveloped me. i was scared because i didn't want to die, but i know someday i'll suffer the same fate as nya'yi. and i know i haven't been a good girl all this years. so i cried & i cried. yayi's grave was hit by a stupid tree, i was scared that yayi didn't have a good place to rest. i miss nya'yi though; daddy says i look like her uh.

daddy drove us to geylang to buy D24 durians, where we consumed them at east coast mac' cafe. i love the chocolate decadence thinggie daddy bought for me; he really wanted me to eat a lot these days. )=, oh and i saw idz with his chubby chub chubb girlfriend. i can't believe i used to date him for quite sometime, but he's cute laaaa. too bad, he has manners like an asshole. never mind, i'm a princess & princesses dont date assholes. yay!

ok then mommy had to take her curtains from some ahpek shop. so daddy drove me to a little corner where he taught me how to drive. it was scary at first, i even released the brake accidentally and the car went off for quite a few metres. i was screaming & daddy was pissed. hoho. but it was fun playing with the windscreen wipers though. :p

so i spent the whole day with my parents today uh. eh macam fun like that?! everything was paid for and you knowww whaaattt? daddy's bringing me out on a shopping spree tomorrow. *throws balloons* and paulliieee baby's out. oh whatever, jon jon leongie is still in what.

and i am going sentosa this saturday, ALONE. i need some me-time for myself. sort some things in my head, go finish reading up my books & snag a lifeguard or two. ok the last part was a joke; i don't dig singaporean lifeguards. i prefer my man with a simple, not too flamboyant lifestyle. eh this is random, ok. i hate that stupid farid, he smokes like a chimney & he always attack me with his witty sacasm. i don't care uh; to make up for all this you better buy me something with your pay tomorrow.

eh can anyone donate me their lego bricks? i want to make armour arh. like macam cool right? i learn this macam macam thing from that shaun heikkel boy la. stupid ron. hoho.

ok la bye bye.
i talk too much sometimes.

2006-09-06T23:34:00.000-07:00

it's my game now, baby.

i don't give a second toot of how people are going to judge me. if only they know what hell i have gone through this few weeks of opening up to the extent of not being appreciated, then they would know better why i'm doing this.

pass me the dice, please? i'll have full control now.

2006-09-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

today was one of the fresh-est day of my entire eighteen years.
a meetup with the old school mates & my favourite teacher,
what more could a girl like me have asked for?
mdm suriati treated us for lunch;where she had to pay 60 moockeroos.
and the pictures i took today,
trust me i was sick of posing perfectly all the time in front of the lenses.

you're the best,madam suriati. for all the things you taught me & for all the times you pushed me through, i am absolutely zilch without you. <3

suzielya & ema; at LerkThai. fantabolous food especially the kangkong belacan. did you know that our ms suzy here is a relief teacher at Hai Sing Catholic? superb one, baby. =)

the gang soon trudged down to macdonalds after lunch; and headed to play games at Macdonalds. We played Uno, Bluff And Panasonic Snap was my favourite of all three. The different themes judging from the ridiculous swear words to brand labels that blew the minds out of me. (in courtesy of elfi.) but the thing was, i was sooooo elated to have spent so much time with my aDORKable best friend, fabian tan. we reminisced quite a lot. eh munchkin, good luck for your blooody 'A' Levels ok? soon after that, we'll hit the clubs & present to the world our retro moves. <33

my closest girlfriend then; nurul syahidah. her vulgar nursery rhyme was, " insy weensy penis climbing up the breast." HAHA.

the boy who claimed he dated paris hilton & that stupid geeky bestfriend of mine. swensens' was a blast with you fcuktards. <3

my aDORKable best friend; fabian & i had an absolutely fantastic time cam-slutting with our respective digital cameras. we laughed over vulgar nursery rhymes that we invented i.e. "mary had a little dick" & "humpty dumpty sat on his penis." we talked & then we laughed over the old times when we rebelled against all the different teachers whom we loathe; and all those moments when he had my back & i had his. and growing up with him, we studied all night together before the 'o's & i still remember the first time i went clubbing with him.

he made sure that no white lecherous guy was to grope/touch me; and the dorky moves we invented were a god-sent,man. oh boy, i miss you. i can't wait to go ogle at wade robson with you & once i get my driving license, i'll call you up in the middle of the night with my rented car & we'll go rounding ok, best ass friend? <3

you people are the most happening bunch of crazy fcuktard asses that i adore too much; the whole of my tuesday has been simply great right up from the beginning. thank you, fellow beings. moooooooooooaaaaaaahhhhh.

and to end it all off on a high note,

this is me, siti ema binte sulaiman with a bod that andrew claimed to be a nine out of a ten. thank you arrrrhhh drunkard! even though i knew you were bluffing, you still rock my socks. <3

2006-09-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

i was digging up some old letters that Zameer & I exchanged over during our relationship. 3am in the morning, with Boston playing on my stereos, i found some phrases i think many could relate to. oh & if you were wondering what i was doing reading letters at 3 bloody am in the morning, that's because i only decided to burn every memory of zameer & me. i can't keep on holding for a year already, can i? the memories are just a passing facade now. sighs.

phrases;

I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I became, but most of all I'm scared of walking out of this place and never feeling the rest of my life the way I feel when you're with me.
the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy
sometimes no matter how long you loved me, i might never love you back. & sometimes you have to be just ok with that, baby.
the truth is, those things that i used to love & adore about you.... these are now the things i hate so much.
i thought if i do such things, i would help you to just hate me a little bit each day.
I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the first person i want to call & share it over with. I miss you when something is bugging me, because you're the one who would make everything seem allright again. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow, and kiss my tears away. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best times of my life.....that i just could never have again.

the end.
i have moved on from this whole shenanigans that has forbade me to explore the world & its offerings. i've missed out on a lot for the one whole year that i closed my heart & eyes, for nothing more than just zameer ali. & now that everything's back to normal again without the usual sleepless nights & peals of wailing, i want to thrust out there & do all the things i never managed to. i want to go wakeboarding, i think i should take up the pottery classes, i should spend more time with the parentals & mates, i should go skinny-dip one day, join hiphop dance classes & focus myself again on the theatrical drama.

there's just a tad too many things i want to do; and i will try to accomplish them. i miss being sixteen all over again. maybe this is the time for me to open up once again. only then, will i know my purpose of life.

word.

2006-09-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg
Give me love you long time
All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real lowI'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don't give a fuck
So here we go!

[Chorus (x2)]How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down
Like London London want to go down
Like London London be going down

Drinks start pouring
And my speech start slowing
Everybody start looking at you
The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose
Now I wishing that I didn't wear these shoes
It's like everytime I get up on the dude
Papparazzi put my business in the news
And I'm gonna get up out my face (oh, shit)
Before I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you want to have a taste (oh, shit)
You got that? I got the bass

mothergooseofaduck.
i am blardeh much in lorve with this song that makes me want to just dance semi-naked in my room with chad michael murray gyrating his hips to mine. hoho.

didn't your mother tell you that girls can have fantasies, too?

2006-09-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

How on earth had she found herself in this situation? Just as soon as she was getting round to picking up the pieces of her shattered life, she dropped them all again and sent them scattering. She thought she had found a friend, someone she could confide in. She wasn't looking to become entangled in some ridiculous love triangle. And it was ridiculous because the third person wasn't even around. He wasn't even a possible candidate for the job.

- Holly Kennedy on P.S. I Love you -

i am a disgusting sight right now. dancing in my room, with Fergie's rendition of London Bridge. i am such a sucker for that song right now, i swear. it's been playing on my ipod for like hours & i'll be caught doing some gyrating moves all by my bloody self.
yes i sound pathetic, i know.

and just a simple thank you note for farid.
last night at holland village and the cab ride home was beautiful, just like every other night has been. be it one of the daily messages or online conversations right up to our dates i'll look forward to every single one of them. i'm always your sidekick, Salem-Man.

you still scare me; i don't want to get hurt cause' you're so out of my league.

2006-09-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

people tell me that my sense of humour is horrible. )=

shafiq & me.

i am surrounded by gorgeous people with beautiful minds each day. says:
pratatechno? i dont know laaaaaaaa )= i suck at jokes.
shafiq says:
kakakaka
u really suck la.

andrea & me.

andrea likes to smell girls' breasts. says:
emmmmmaaaaaa. please tell me something funny.
i am surrounded by gorgeous people with beautiful minds each day. says:
white men make black babies in year 2010. how's that?
andrea likes to smell girls' breasts. says:
fuck la. can you please be more funny? you're not funny. urgh.

farid & me.

death & destruction. says:
i don't care; i'm just going to find your weakness at solving riddles. this ain't fair,you know?

Farid.Blinded by the beauty within. says:
haha.
come on, u've gotta try harder la babe.

are my jokes really not worth a good tickle in the tummy?
all this while, i thought i was the kind of chick guys dig because i would bring them to their knees, rolling away in hysterics.
pffffffft.

eh but wait a minute;
many think i'm quite intellectual & philosophical for an eighteen year old. now i can see myself as the smart chick & what will make men find sexy about me?

my mind.

2006-08-31T21:45:00.000-07:00

tiny little ms wee, the one who made sure chemistry was the air we breathe each day of our lives.

loud mrs rajan, the one who i have to give credit for my english this few years or so. she would make us write 100 phrases each month; or purposely made us stay outside the principal's office to just read Readers' Digest.

my one & only lorve in secondary school; mdm suriati. she took the time to talk to me, to figure out the mistakes i've made in life. she is partly the cause of who i am today. <3

felicia leow; my girlfriend number three who wanted to shoot boys if they bullied girls. hoho.

elfi; mister caustic who apparently claimed dated paris hilton. h-a-h-a-h-a-h-a.

the first closest boy best friend i had in secondary school; fabian tan zhi yi. i miss how we were such rebels in school & those nights we would go clubbing just to make stupid dance moves on the dancefloor. you're my favourite dork, baby. <3

yours truly, felicia & my bang bang hero, Liyana. Thank you for being with me when i was at my lowest right up till' i have finally picked up myself. more ahlian poses, soon? =)

the memories i hold so dearly; like a chapter of my favourite book i'll never forget.

2006-08-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

*yawns* it's a beautiful morning today. there were slight sounds of thunder & peckles of rain pelting down on the concrete floor of my neighbourhood. but other than that slight depressing sight of gloom ahead,somehow rather i feel afresh & raring to go to start my day today.

the secondary school best friend just woke up; so here i am warming my buttocks off infront of the laptop's screen while waiting for her to doll up. )= actually i can't wait to unleash this playful demons in mine, right during the unofficial gathering in school today. i was browsing through an old friend's diaryland, and all the mischievous times i had with him & the others.. priceless.

i was a dork then; right with all my other adorkable friends. however, the consolation that came along with being a geek was that nothing had been a barrier to my innoncent-like happiness. no boy dramas and no bitchy girlfriends who would find a way to bring me down to my lowest peak of confidence. darn, those were the times.

and now i'm all grown up; with age (and vanity) comes responsibility. i have to take full credit for whatever wrongdoings there is. i learnt to judge more, destroy myself despite the values i was taught with and fell in love. so does the fact that i grew up meant that i had an all-pass ticket to be a certified failure? -shakes head- i doubt so, that is the reason why i am building myself all over again right from the basics of it all.

ahh. life; just a mystery in itself. see la? one tree hill is just a bitch; it is supposed to be one of those acne-prone teenager's flick but i used it as a guideline of how i see the circumstances of my life. hoho.

let me go to the kitchen & make myself a hot cup of cocoa. i'm just shivering because of the weather, brrrr.

2006-08-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

my princess, daughter of the King of Bandar Kovan.
hahahahahahahahhahaha!
let me start off with a simple story as to how ain deserved this name.
me & mrs shahrul aisha & lesbianlorve ain went for an interview.
Since Wing Tai Co. was situated at Kovan, we took a bus
which brought us somewhat around the neighbourhood area.
what me & mrs shahrul found funny is that the area is called Bandar Kovan.
....fast forwarding to the aftermath of the interview.........

so we went window-shopping around Heartland Mall,
only to find that lesbianlorve adored this yellow princess-y teeshirt.
the captions that was in it went like,
"princess, daughter of the king." (pls detect the bimboness of it.)
me, mrs shahrul & lesbianlorve ended up snorting away.
so hence, tadaaaaaa! the name for lesbianlorve. hoho.

your sincerely three ladies really have nothing better to do.
we crashed K.F.C. for lunch & had some girlish conversations.
so then mrs shahrul had to fetch Mr Shahrul from attachment,
hence me & lesbianlorve were left alone for today.
from citylink's HMV right up to raffles city Starbucks.
we laughed, we nearly cried and we poured out our hearts & soul.
headed to town, just to warm our buttocks AGAIN at Starbucks.
laughed, nearly cried & yes......poured our hearts & soul. haha.

i love this simple fresh outings with my girlfriends. <333>sum it up: a fantastic day, from the beginning right up to now.
reaallliiieeeeee; you should see my wide toothy grin now.
everything's going so perfectly well today;
i feel like decorating my bedroom with yellow daffodils. hoho.

p.s. a hot white man stared & smiled at me right infront of his perfectly gorgeous wife while i was in starbucks with lesbianlorve just now. ok so he was only interested in sex, but soooooooooooo? he taught me that men can never be trusted. and also that maybe i should have a career as a Sarong Party Girl if i fail to achieve a diploma next year.

hahahahahahahahahaha;
i am so gay, i just want to think of stupid things all day long.

2006-08-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

i am a scared doll. i am barely hanging on to a less visible thread right now; knowing that in any time sooner the thread would snap and i would be falling so fast, it would take a hell lot more than realisation to slap me awake.

i am so scared, i can feel my heart pounding so furiously each time the thought strikes me hard. my stomach's doing double back flips and all i want is to run to that little corner of my room to just take a deep breath so that maybe everything would be back to square one. could someone just give me a tight grip on my hands or even slap me across the face? i do not want to live in a world full of un-needed fantasies; fantasies whose consequences would be unbearable.

how can something so minute disintengrate my concrete walls? all this while, i thought it would take more than that big fat yellow bulldozer to allow me to crumble into such light and fragile fragmentations of myself. i do not want my life to be a jigsaw puzzle which would take some hours to piece it back to one, as in my case it would take another year or so.

i am not pointing my fingers at Him or karma. i do not want to put blame on something other than myself; the cause of my anger & sudden confusion is not questionable. the reason i am stuck in this little rut of mine; it's all because of my doings in life. payback time, uh? but please leave me a manual on my bedroom table by tomorrow morning. i succumb myself to giving up without instructions, really.

i'm tired, really more on the deadbeat extreme. imagine your life moving like a constant fucking cycle; so when would it just slow down then suddenly come to a halt? i want that, yes please. i'm not going to throw a bitch fit because i'm angry at life. i'm not going to start throwing wet kleenex everywhere in my room because i feel such a pitiful wreck. i am happy actually! i want to throw confetti & paint my room so yellow & decorate it with daffodils.

i'm just tired. that's all; tired of wearing a mask on one of my "masquerade" balls wishing that that someone could finally read me. i'm sick of pretending like we're just friends; i never thought i would be able to find someone after zameer. and when i finally like someone, he's so fucking out of my league. and...

now all i have left is fantasies & dreams. the catalyst of my life is gone; yes hope. it's gone.

2006-08-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

just random facts:
i miss my beautiful oolalala friends.
i am listening to snow patrol & the cranberries.
i haven't ate rice for one week; i lost 2kg only.
i'm so bloody tanned & the mother says i look quite rough.
i am on the same journey as before, just when i thought it was all over.
i think chad michael murray & hilary burton are fhug-ly gorgeous.
i want to destroy myself with liyana during our sleepovers. )=

ah damn it;
i can't think straight anymore.

2006-08-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

weezer: death & destruction
i can't say that you love me,
so i cry and i'm hurting.
so i learned to turn;
and look the other way.

******* confessed to me last night;
"ems, i'm in a state of confusion. i have built my guard up so strongly against men for years. you very well know nobody could break this denial walls of mine. then walked in this one guy, he possessed just about everything i needed & dreamt in a man."

and so i questioned her as to why she was so afraid of that;
her reply was, " that's just because i only know him for a month. and i doubt he's either interested in me as more than just a friend. thing is; he's out of my league."

my reply?
i could only cry.

2006-08-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

somehow rather, i choose my idols on a one-sided basis. so long the guy in question is blond whose eyes are the windows to his soul & understands my emotional needs even virtually in television,

no doubt he would hold priority in my heart.

just as i was discussing this with andrea, she put it nicely in words for me.
"it's sometimes better to live in a world of fantasies than to open your eyes to reality and realise that something never was there in the beginning."

and andrea;
i never could have said it better myself.

2006-08-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

//deleted the last entry; too much controversy.

i'm experiencing mild writers' block right now.
so many things to write & tell,
yet i know not a single word gives a fair justification to how i feel.

pardon me while i retreat to my daily feeds of One Tree Hill;
i have developed such an addiction to this teenager-ish flick.
season three finale has got me all weeping and crying,
especially the words that were exchanged between lucas & brooke.
somehow rather; i could feel myself in lucas's shoes. )=

and psst.
thank you mister pilot;
you manage to let me open up myself after months of self-denial.

but Chad Murray like Zameer Ali taught me one thing,
"sometimes your heart doesn't always go along well with hope."

2006-08-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

SENTOSA.

we built a slurpee godcastle in which vin & shahrul prayed to.
we looked out for some babi hutans & lembu jantan islams.
due to aisha's idea, we had some flickyourhandinthewater games too.
camwhoring was pretty much a must, till our batteries went dead on us.
singing sessions so loudly on the beach mat, while tanning away.
joot & me found this kelenjar couple; practically making out everywhere.
and.
i found some so-LACE while swimming alone far out at the rocks.

pahlawan beach on a thursday with my friends;
what a beautiful day it was nonetheless. <3

2006-08-25T00:40:00.000-07:00

i don't know if i should jump & dance around,
or to ask myself a thousand questions whether what i'm doing is right.

it's not about the sentosa outing,
the latter was indeed a fun wholesome event. <3
peektures which i shall upload tomorrow, of course.

it's just me and my funny thoughts circling me.

siti ema binte sulaiman,
what the hell are you getting yourself into?

2006-08-23T16:49:00.000-07:00

lesbian lorve ain & mrs shahrul aisha.
where would i be without them?
gales of laughter with extra dashes of insanity,
i love them so much i could throw confetti all around town.

AND.
a hot white caucasian guy grinned casually at me, outside of Mango.
my girls were jealous, i know they were. HAHAHAHAHA.
he was so drop-dead gorgeous, i was jumping like a ballistic ass.
lorve ain had to tame me down because she knew i was going to explode.
-laughs-
but prettysapiens, please don't categorize me as one of those SPGs. )=

thanks for the interview sessions.
thanks for the tankini/bikini shopping frenzy.
thanks for being stupid with the vogue diva shades.
and now i can't wait for tomorrow's frolicking in sentosa. <33

ooooooooooo,
guess what mummy said when i was "modelling" in my tankini?
"you're not going to wear just that, young lady. bring a sweater along, in case your aunties might bump into you at sentosa. Mama mean it, ok?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

i bet my mother's the funniest woman than even Ellen Degeneres.

2006-08-23T01:07:00.000-07:00

beach galore.

i want to play with the sand.
i want to show off my newly bought polka-dotted tankini.
i want to go crazy with my friends.
i want to see the sunset.

p.s:
thank you faiz. you have always been so generous with your words. i can't wait to see you this saturday at the flea market. it was funny how i always saw zameer in you, but i guess fate was just not on our side. take care love, i'll see you soon.

2006-08-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

ditto sg secrets.

you baked me my favourite cheescake at three in the morning, just because i was craving for one at such a time.
we rode on your bike to Kallang, just so i wanted to see the stars & the moon even though i knew you were bloody tired from work.
you compiled all my favourite songs in one compact disc, just because i was sick and i couldn't leave the house.
you sacrificed skateboarding sessions with your friends, just to be with me.
you loved me, and you gave me the world when i asked you for it.

WHY OH FUCKING WHY DID I LEAVE YOU?
i miss you.
just when i thought i'm already over you after 1 year,

i thought wrong.
leave her & walk into my life again, please?
i am never desperate for a man, but only you.
Only You.

2006-08-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

i miss her.

by far, the only one who knew me from my smile right down to my very own fears. i have to admit, i was an ugly duckling back in secondary school. those who judged me on face value never appreciated me just because i wasn't good enough to be in their social circle. but there was this one girl in class. she wasn't downright popular either, but she appreciated me for who i was deep down inside of me.

our friendship grew stronger. she was my best friend, my sister, my trust and my confidante. whenever i would perform/host onstage for school events, i knew she was proud of me. and whenever it was her who would be leading her cadets on the field, i was proud it was my best friend's voice i could hear roaring.

we were two different souls. i was someone who basked in the limelight of school events & drama performances, nicknamed the dramamama of my school. she was someone who leads behind the scenes, someone more milder as compared to me. but i needed her, because it was her who made me humble and she needed me because it was me who made her thrust out to be more confident of herself.

this was a story 2 years ago. where are we now?
nowhere, exactly. )=
had four years of friendship gone down the drain like that?

one grew up and changed her image to try & fit in with the popular crowd. had a man she loved, who left her after she cheated on him. didn't try to spend time with the girl who knew her better than any other man would. now that she promises to be the person she was once again, her girlfriend found someone else; another man to fill in her shoes.

this is what i deem karma;
what i did to her before, she's doing it back to me.
i'm sorry for all i've done, but girlfriend....

trust me on this;
i really miss you.

2006-08-20T01:54:00.000-07:00

the groom calls me a walking baby.
just because i cried when we hugged before he left for the aisle,
he has to give me such a name. )=
i felt so proud of this man i used to count moolah together &
i felt so proud of the life he was going to built with dear kak aliah.

i spent some little time with the groom before the mak' andam
came in to interrupt us to doll abang hisham up. HAHA.
we talked about him leaving bachelorhood forever
& how i confided in him about my lack of confidence in life in itself.
laughing & talking, this are going to be the times i will miss
of dearest md. hisham now that he's already a married man.

this was taken in the morning before the hoohaas of the ceremony.
i had to literally force him to take a peekture with me,
he has NEVER been a camwhoring since Man invented cameras.
-laughs-

everyone's growing up so fast now.
1.my eldest cousin's married already.

2.my youngest uncle is bald too. hahahahaha!

3. and i'm finally eighteen.

time passes us so fast, but what have i done?

exactly,
nothing. )=

2006-08-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

i weeped during the solemnisation ceremony of hisham & aliah.
seeing my cousin all grown up, and that happy endings do exist
makes me just want to suck my thumb in a little corner. )=

spending time with my little lorveleh cousins & aunties & uncles
was a great event, nonetheless. <3 href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">

yes that's it, i was referring to Mr Minolta around my neck.
oh yes, i look fat in this picture, but whatever. =)

ema's thoughts speaking now:
it's really ironic how i know i have moved on from this relationship with zameer, because it has been a year and two months to date. i haven't thought/cried of him for the past few weeks,but during the ceremony of aliah & hisham, i cried because i wished that i had my own happy ending just like aliah had hers. it was all gone, all thanks to my unfaithful ways of never appreciating the person i loved before.

so, i don't love you anymore. i don't even care about you. but because of you, i stopped loving and i stopped believing. i have let my guard up, and only today was the only day i cried because i realised i have stopped loving anyone, even you. it's sad, i know. don't cry ema, it's almost 3 in the morning.

these are my thoughts speaking.
right now, my body feels nothing but pure coldness.

2006-08-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

today has brought a huge dash of joy in my life.
thank you to my loves. thank you, once again.

taking pictures after you sweated out doesn't necessarily
mean you will look good, ok homosapiens? <33. href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">

the lorve and me after a much-needed shower at my place.
we come up with the weirdest pictures/ideas ever, word.

then it was off for "Click" sessions with the polymates/neighbours.
the movie made me, lorveain & mrs shahrul cry like little babies.
let us not forget my good friend, nurhafiz who tried his best to control,
or legend, tengku mohaizad who was sobbing away in one corner.
only dumb neighbour, rafiq managed to put up a brave front. pfft!

headed off after the movie to starbucks,
to meet aisha's boyfriend, mr shahrul & chingchonglike friend ilyas'.
or as i call them now, "alex and matthew." (inside joke laaaaa, baybeh)

allrights.
so it was the usual protocol of movie, chill then dinner and home.
but what's so special about this night was that i got to spend time
with the ones i love, and just laughing cornily at myself.
not a single damn about my image/my perceptions/my worries.
i thought tonight went absolutely fab, without a doubt in my mind.

thank you fellow lorves,
the night was beautiful. *breathes in*

p.s. do you still love me in the morning? forever & ever babe.
p.p.s. i love you son. i love you son. i love you son. i love you son.

2006-08-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

i'm happy and i'm gay.
i want to throw petals of flowers all around me.
i am going to indulge myself in chocolates and fruit mocktails.
i want to spread some lorve with my lesbian partners.
i'll kick you in your balls if you show me your sour frown.
i'll fart in your nose, if you shove your big fat ass in my face.
i'm happy and i'm gay.

what did i say?
i'm happy and i'm gay.

chingchong galores, they make me high.

2006-08-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

my gorgeous mates all crashed my place today. <33
apparently the mother fell sick, and so i had to take care of the household.
so boo )=, i was not allowed out of my crib as for today.

liyana skipped school, and had a galore of a time friendster-stalking with me.
we have such tendencies to ogle at hot chicks, and gorgeous lads too.
closet bisexuals, that's a good word to describe us very well.
hardeeheehohoho. =)

just as liyana left my place,
sarah, anna, ilham and ilham's english-like friend, farid came over.
they brought over nachos, two rented ihavewatchedover&overagain DVD's
and tons of sanitary pads in courtesy of sarahdorklove.
the thing was, sarah had a sudden menstruation attack while on the train,
to meet the bunch of gang at tampines.
so apparently she went to cheers and got herself like 3 packs of Sofy-brand ones.
she justified wailing that, " i've got none of them anymore at home!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
i love you dork, for this stupid random moments you can come up with.

and so,
morning gym session with my lesbian lorve ain tomorrow.
then a movie with the lesbian lorve ain and mrs shahrul's aisha too.
i am having this " i miss my girls" random feeling once again. )=

pssstt.
to the man who writes quite a few words but yet manages to squeeze
quite a bucket of tears out of my eyelids,
happy twenty fifth.
and to the other man who has seen me growing up for the past eighteen years,
happy twenty second.
you boys know who you are.

so when's my turn to hit the big TWO-O?

2006-08-16T00:45:00.000-07:00

"i dare you to call me."
why is it bloody difficult to get a man like Chad Michael Murray?
because as dorklove reminded me,
"there's no such thing as reel life with real life."
isn't who you were part of who you are?

ohgod,
siti ema binte sulaiman is in one of those "i'msohighonlove" moods right now.
blame One Tree Hill. )=

2006-08-15T17:23:00.000-07:00

md ilham and siti ema.
tootfieskinnywank & tootsiebigwitch.
pahlawan beach and its' very own tent.

ok.
i have to admit, beach bumming affair with ilham was suprisingly stupid.
i was dared to bury my face in the sand for more than ten seconds,
gee i was practically choking. pfft!
ilham proceeded to paint my toenails, and two of them seem chipped now. )=
tanning, swimming competitions and a lifeguard drama session with ilham,
i had a great time, balls-less friend. <33
i'm patiently waiting for the pictures, ok?

so, daddy bought me a malay novel from the singapore expo book sale.
i swear three quarters of the first chapter had me all wondering,
"Which Sane Person Would Write Such Cheemi-fied Malay Language?"
so girl loves boy, but girl's sister also loves the same boy.
then girl decided to sacrifice boy, out of love for the sister.
now seriously, i can already figure out the ending of this story.
don't we all?
so daddy, you have failed to enlighten me with the wonders of malay novels.
-laughs-

i am also digging up some old photos of my Princess Qistina.
i still remember the time she took my digicam away from me,
and snapped a picture or two of the things she saw around her.
i hereby swore that what i'll show you are the pictures she took,
with her very own four-year-old hand and eyesight.

look at how she manages to capture her tiny feet, and my giant ones. heh!

blurry, but quite pretty in a way. i was talking about me, balls! hahahaha.

my evil and yet gorgeous Princess Qistina. damn i wish for those curls of hers. )=

OHHHHHHHHHH.
my eldest cousin on the maternal side is getting hitched this weekend.
congratulations sweetheart, growing up with you has been a wonderful journey.
now that you're going to be somebody's husband,
no more feeling english and laughing at your lameness sessions with you, yes? )=
p/s: i swear this cousin of mine is by the far one of the few intellectual malay dudes
i have ever encountered in my eighteen years of life. <3 you bro.

You try to hold in what is deeply within your soul. But the burning is so intense; that you just can't help but to let it go.

2006-08-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

http://www.vintage-junk.blogspot.com

for you indie and brit pop lovers,
you have got to check this out.
be nice, and come down to Lime's flea market on the 26th.
your presence is greatly appreciated, people.
p/s: the tees that they are using is the cotton planet brand, balls. <3

i've been indulging myself in front of the canons' lens this few days.
it's such a pathetic and boring life i lead,
i know i know!
nonetheless, i do not look forward to life for much reasons anyway.
school's out, and there's no nagging lecturers behind my back
screaming their lungs out because project deadline's around the corner.
my mates are either busy with school or work or their boyfriends.
i used to be real busy with assignments or tutorials to revise over,
or equip myself in the lamehilarious jokes my friends would come up with.
these were the little bits of life i could equip myself with,
just to push random things at the back of my mind.

now there's no chance to do of such.
things i know should be stashed away at the back of mind,
remains transfixed in that position that they have always been.
the ironies and mysteries of life,
i wish for a sherlock holmes in my birthday stocking.

i feel so confusemotional-ed all of a sudden in the prick of time.
like i want to cry into my kleenex with nick lachey on my ipod,
and also, punch my fists into the wall for all the things that went wrong.
whatever, neither crying nor vengeance of anger helps.
prolly, cam-whoring and a bite of my mother's sambal udang does?

if only our lives were like "Click.",
i would have made it all so perfect.
but then, is perfection everything?

2006-08-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

an afternoon conversation online tickled my tummy good.

:sham:the truth will set me free.
what's with you and chinese boys?
i'm your silly adorkable geek.
i don't know. sick of malay dudes laa, & chinese guys are SO cute.
:sham:the truth will set me free.
ya la, but with women thinking like you what's going to happen
:sham:the truth will set me free.
to us malay boys?
:sham:the truth will set me free.
does this mean we have to settle for the less classy ones=minahs?!
:sham:the truth will set me free.
EMA! don't leave us men for these low class ones PLS LAH
i'm your silly adorkable geek.
hahahahaha! funny ok you. so r u saying i have CLASS?
i'm your silly adorkable geek.
tell me thats trueeeee or i shall leave u with the minahs.heh!
:sham:the truth will set me free.
honestly, right. erm..
:sham:the truth will set me free.
you're someone i dont see myself with right now,
:sham:the truth will set me free.
but i see myself getting married to you la tho. =(
:sham:the truth will set me free.
HAH. but srsly, you're not my type to swagger off wif now,
but in yrs to come you're the kind i want to settle with.
i'm your silly adorkable geek.
cb. don't i have enough credibilities to be proudly showed off as ur gf?!
:sham:the truth will set me free.
no la, like you dont have this thing i find in a girl right now.
:sham:the truth will set me free.
that is, "the sex factor." hardyheehoho.
i'm your silly adorkable geek.
wth. you should just go and bury yourself alive for saying such of me.
:sham:the truth will set me free.
oi, isn't that good?! you're fucking intellectual, it's too much a boy at my age
can take ok.give me 5 yrs, and i'll be
:sham:the truth will set me free.
ready by then. serious.
i'm your silly adorkable geek.
uh. pfft!

muhammad shamril bin md shamril's father,
won't this conversation alone tell you why i'm not looking
for a malay companion as for now?

most malay boys are as shallow as whatevers.
LIKE YOU, SHAMRIL!
>.<

2006-08-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

a day out with my bang bang lorve yesterday.
from borders to starbucks at wheelock's and finally a light dinner at mc'cafe.
peektures galore,<3 href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">

enough with the shades-whoring, people. moving on,

simple but stupid,
thank you dear liyana.

OH!
and i have discovered something about myself that i am in love with!

MY TONED LEGS.
hahahahahahahahahaha!

2006-08-13T12:57:00.000-07:00

and so,
my desire to shop more is at an increasing level this very minute.
)=

1. a dede solid tunic top from F21.

2. Abigail Bermudas *online from Delias.com*

3. this hot swanky red pumps.
(they're a cheap steal at only twently bucks!)

4. a halter neck for my sentosa trip this tuesday.

argh,
i swear i'm going ballistic over this apparels, balls.
i want them, I WANT THEM! *barely tries to tear hair apart*

a note to my dearest ilham,
life puts us in a ride where we least expect the circumstances.
hold on tight,
nothing will be too much of a challenge for you and me,love.
this beach bumming session with you on tuesday should be
good enough for you to put your mind to rest, monyet.
even mine.

Word.

2006-08-13T00:36:00.000-07:00

i spent some time with the parentals today.
it sure has been eons since i spent some quality time,
and today went extremely special because i was daddy's girl
all over again. <33

we had our lunch at warong m.nasir in which tahu telor tasted like sex.
i swear! (ok, i don't know how sex is like, but you roughly get the picture.)
retail therapy binge was next, where i bought the most gorgeous shades
and a swanky red bag, that mummy deemed ugly. PFFT.
i even had a haircut in town,
the mother calls me Ema Onehill now for some apparent reasons. )=
finally dinner at beach road, before heading over to the aunt's place.

i talked quite a tad too many with the father today.
he enlightened me with some history of singapore i.e. the curry ayam murder,
and even went on a lookout for hot boys in town for me. HAHA!
at the mall, the father said proudly that i was always his favourite girl,
as compared to the not-so-much love he has for my brother.
i tried to hold back my tears, in an attempt to appear strong.
i love you, PAPA. mooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

i look stupid, just like daddy does.
times like this, i'm glad for the stupid moments we have.
they don't come often, you know.

now, tell me a reason why mummy calls me Ema Onehill.
she thinks she can get away with her snide remarks. pfft!

and something that cracked me up,
papa created a dumb nickname: mat tody.
you know something, papa?
your daughter still loves him, you know.
the mystery of life in itself.
go figure.

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again.

2006-08-12T00:32:00.000-07:00

i believe that words have a majestic power over me.
a single phrase from a show/book,
that one-liner from a dear friend,
a lyric taken off from a song,
or maybe even excerpts from an online buddy's multiply.

life has mysteries in which we have yet to unravel,
apparently i find the answer through words and less of its experiences.
there are times when i feel like punching the wall,
just to feel that exhilaration of pain, where it erases out my numbness.
then somehow with the grace of The Almighty,
i stopped because i would remember a phrase/a lyric/a prayer
and i would sit, curled up in that little corner to think about it for a moment.
so literally, i would forget what i was supposed to do
and just try to immerse truly in my train of thoughts.

collin raye's playing on my mini ipod,singing out to me:
...Like a friend, like a fool
Like some guy you knew in school
Didnt we love, didnt we share
Or dont you even careI know we said we were through
But I never knew how quickly I would go
From someone you loved
To someone you used to know...

"sometimes you try so hard to carbon copy yourself on every page in the book, only to find out the ending has already been written, with no space left for you to even squeeze in. "
yes shafik, you're right.

told you, words have a magical impact on me.
now my night won't be so smooth afterall.
sighs.

2006-08-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

it's a new fresh start to all the hypes and ongoings in my life.
circumstances have allowed me to start afresh on a white piece of paper.
i promise, i will change.
as much as promises go this is where i stand by; my words.

examinations are finally over.
without school, life will be pretty much a random bore. )=
i made new friends amongst the many seniors i loathe before,
the mystery of life in itself baby.
i even thought this indian lad in my school is HOT.
never did it cross my mind would i think of even having a crush on an indian boy.
now, i sound fifteen again. *laughs*

just randomly looking at some pictures,
geeeeee i really grew up eh. HAHAHA!

back when i was fifteen with the then bestfriend.

seventeen with my caustic elfi & still single nurul syahidah. HAHA!

the reformed me, just taken a few weeks ago.

as sarah dork said.
"vanity is stupid."
so true! i have lost myself in that transition
and thanks to liyaa and sarah dork,

i'm finding myself once more. <33